Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
