that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
