Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
