Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
