Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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