Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
