I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
