Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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