my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
