He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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