separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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