Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Let's get the cat blown out
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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