how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
