I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
