My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
