Jerry, you need to find god
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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