bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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