Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
