I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Acid is not a monday night drug
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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