who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the day after is always just damage control
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
