Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
