dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
