I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
