The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
