I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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