i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
