Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
