I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
