turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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