So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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