You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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