Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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