I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
