I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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