i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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