Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
