two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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