I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
