every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I can't put those talents on a resume
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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