Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
