Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
