This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
