I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
