Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
