hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
