Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
