I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Two words: blizzard sex
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
