Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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