You smell like stripper and shame
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I didn't notice because vodka
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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