They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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