yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
