then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
