This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
