I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
